knit crazy!

my new toy

2012-01-14T22:12:00.000-05:00

My new computer arrived Thursday and I've been busy trying to restore backups, reinstall software and doing a major cleanup on all the crap that's been backing up over the last two upgrades. A little tedious but necessary, and I'm close to done now. So far I'm really impressed with the speed and am happy to be running Windows7.

As soon as I get a chance I'm going to take some photos of my recent finished projects and post them here and on Ravelry. Stay tuned.

Work is still going well, but the weeks are long and I'm tired. I napped 2 hours this afternoon, I was just wiped out. It's nice to have the weekend off, I need the rest.

Long overdue update

2012-01-10T09:48:00.001-05:00

I think I need to make a New Year's resolution to update my blog regularly. I know I say this all the time...I don't know why it is so difficult for me to get in the habit of posting on a regular or even semi-regular basis. I know that often I feel that my life is boring and I have nothing interesting to say but I'm sure I would find something to write if I really tried.

A lot has happened since my last update: I've returned to work, went to Vegas for Thanksgiving with my family, hosted Christmas dinner for my boyfriend's family...no wonder I haven't been writing. Work is going really well; even better than I had hoped. I've been a little tired since going full-time but I'm staying on top of my workload and I'm not feeling stressed. I've been a little sensitive the last week but I think that's just from not sleeping enough. I need to try to get to sleep a little earlier to make sure that I don't screw up my stability.

So the New Year has started a little rough; last week my tv died and yesterday my computer died too. I'm pretty bummed. I can do a lot with my BlackBerry but it doesn't replace a pc. I sure hope this isn't indicative of the year to come.

I've finished a couple of small knit projects, I'll save those for another post.

Happy New Year to all!

first day back to work

2011-11-15T11:01:00.000-05:00

I actually slept really well Sunday night and woke up feeling refreshed. I was nervous and pretty shaky so I took an Ativan to calm down a little. Somehow time got away from me and I ended up leaving 5 minutes late. I speed walked to the metro and got there just in time to see the doors close on my train. Somehow luck was on my side as the next train arrived only 2 minutes later. I just made my connecting train by doing the last minute sprint before the doors closed and then I was back on track. Thankfully I was on time for my first day back, it would have been quite embarrassing to show up late.

Upon arriving at the office I was shown to my new desk and the boxes where my stuff had been packed up. My manager told me to take the day getting setup and organized and that we would meet Wednesday morning to start assigning me my work. She took me around the office to greet everyone and meet the new employees. When she made her introductions she simply stated I had been away and was now back. I was asked by one employee how long I had taken as sabbatical. I liked the idea that he assumed my leave was voluntary. Also, doing the rounds and greeting everyone seems to have deterred people from asking why I was away which was a big worry for me.

I spent the day getting installed in my new cube and getting some new software loaded on my system. I started reading through some documents on the current release and I felt a little frustrated at the lack of information, but also a little relieved as it’s obvious that I’ve been missed. I look forward to getting through my training and back into my old position.

My manager came by at 4pm and told me to call it a day and go home early. She also spoke to me about some upcoming changes that would be coming from our head office and asked me to learn what I can so we can be prepared to challenge these changes where necessary. That made me feel really good, like she’s involving me in the important stuff right away.

All in all the day was a huge success. At no point did I feel angry or sad, instead I felt calm and comfortable. I’m happy to be back.

project overkill

2011-11-04T22:16:00.000-04:00

I don't know if it's my bipolarity or just my personality but I'm always had difficulty following through on projects. I love starting new things but once the excitement wears off I have trouble getting to the finish line. I presently have 7 projects on needles right now, one of which was started in 2007; 4 years later and I still have only one sock completed!

So here's the top contenders at the moment:

1) Under Cover of Midnight Hooded Cowl. Cowls are looking like they will be all the rage for this fall/winter fashion season. I'm presently dedicating all my knitting time to get this done.

2) Simple Man Slippers. I've already knit these for my boyfriens but he insisted he wanted them a full size longer. He's since managed to stretch them out even farther and they won't stay on his feet. This time I'm making them to measure!

3) Sidhe Shrug. This beautiful lace shrug was started in the warm summer months with the idea that it could lens a classy sexy touch when worn over strappy summer dresses or tanks. Unfortunately it was a rough start and I had to start again a few times. Dropped stitches are pretty much impossible to pick up when working in lace patterns. :( Now that it's fall this project will sleep a little while I work on more season appropriate pieces.

4) Amiga. A beautiful lightweight cardigan that will be comfortable in all seasons. It's tedious to knit through as it feels like you are just working back on forth on millions of stitches. This is the perfect tv-watching knit as it requires no counting and endless repetition.

And the sleepers:

5) Spiral Boot Socks. I had taken these out of hibernation and was finally working on the second sock. Stitches kept sliding off my needles and after the second time that I had to rip back all my work I decided to park the socks again
.
6) Camden. This will be a beautiful sweater. In maybe 10 years. Lightweight yarn on tiny needles is going to take forever to complete. It does however have these adorable detachable sleeves that will make it worth trying. Once I'm finished the Amiga this one will get back in the rotation and get a little attention.

7) Leg Warmers I have no idea why I'm not finishing these, they're about 70% done and I really like the way the first one turned out. I really should get them back into the active circle as they would be quite practical with winter coming.

I used to be able to sit down with a single project and work it until completion. I'm not sure why I'm so scattered lately. I've still got enough yarn in my stash to keep me going for a long time. I bought tons of yarn with various projects in mind but of course I lost my list telling what yarn I ordered corresponded with what project!

finally going back to work

2011-11-02T10:27:00.000-04:00

I had a meeting yesterday with my company and my rehabilitation specialist and we've agreed on a return to work schedule. I will be starting November 14th at 2 days/week, working up to full time over a 7 week period. Best part about the schedule is that I have managed to work around my Vegas trip, so I'll be spending US Thanksgiving with my family. My parents are coming from WA, my brother and his wife from Hawaii, it's going to be wonderful. I can't wait to be surrounded by family that love me; that feeling of unconditional love is so therapeutic.

As far as my job goes, I will keep my position as a Business Systems Analyst, however for the first few months I will be working in QA to help them out while I learn our new software and get myself back up to speed. My position requires me to be an expert in our software products and after a 17 month absence I'll be coming in as a beginner. I couldn't be happier with this plan, I like doing QA and it's a hands-on way of learning, instead of just reading a bunch of documents. (I will still have a pile of documents to go through but at least that's not all I'll be doing.)

Having a return schedule and an idea of what I'm coming back to has eliminated my stress regarding my return to work. I've waited for this response since October 3rd and I've been worrying the whole time. I tried to tell myself not to worry but actually listening to myself and controlling the worrying was pretty much impossible. So now that my stress levels are way down I am just going to try to enjoy the next week and a half of lazy days and use this time to work on preparing myself mentally for my return.

Today is a happy day. :)

some news about work

2011-10-20T13:31:00.000-04:00

I finally spoke with my LTD insurance representative today and she had an update for me regarding my return to work. I'm a little frustrated that she has more information than I do, but at least I have an update. Apparently my manager and an HR rep met with her and they have asked that my file be assigned to a rehabilitation specialist to ensure a smooth transition back into the workplace. The specialist should be contacting me soon and the insurance company is hopeful that I may return before the end of the month.

I consider this to be good news. If the company is taking steps to ensure my smooth return to work it's unlikely that they are planning to let me go anytime soon. The fact that my manager was involved tells me that I haven't been reassigned to another department. I still don't know if I will return to my previous job which concerns me a little because I love my job, however I am thankful to have work in the same department.

So my stress level has already gone down and I'm feeling more positive than I have been. Now I just need this to happen already! I'm so bored staying home and I can't wait to be working and productive again. Here's hoping I will get that call soon.

worried and frustrated

2011-10-13T14:50:00.000-04:00

On September 30th my doctor gave me the green light to go back to work. I was really excited as I'm looking forward to going back - I'm so bored at home and I really feel ready to get back in the workforce. I contacted my LTD insurance carrier and we worked out a gradual return to work schedule starting 2 days a week as of October 10th, working up to full time by the 7th week.

October 3rd I contacted my boss telling her I was coming back and asking what I had to do to prepare for my return. She indicated that she would need to talk to HR and would get back to me. It's October 13th and I'm still waiting for a response. I've followed up with her 3 times now and the response is always the same: "I haven't met with HR yet and will get back to you when I do".

I'm worried and I'm frustrated. I don't understand what is taking so long. It doesn't seem so complicated to me; just pick a date and I'll show up and start working. Perhaps there is some special process for employees returning from long term disability, but why haven't they had this meeting yet? I haven't even returned yet and I'm feeling undervalued and neglected. (Having said that, the new stable me is handling those feelings really well.) I'm scared they don't want me back and are just trying to figure out what they can do with me. In any case I just wish I knew what was going on. Good or bad, it is what it is and I can't change that, I just really need to know what it is.

The waiting is the hardest part...

memory loss

2011-09-27T09:07:00.001-04:00

I've been experiencing worsening memory loss, likely due to taking Lamictal. It's starting to worry me; I have these gaps in my memory where people tell me I've done or said something and I simply can't remember, to me it's as if it never happened.

Recent example: apparently I rented a movie a couple months ago. One of these principal actors was in another movie my boyfriend and I were watching and he commented that this was the actor from the film I had watched. I have absolutely no recollection of the film or the actor. He showed me pictures of scenes from the movie and still nothing. I decided to watch the movie trailer and still I can't remember. It looks like an interesting movie but I simply can't recall seeing it. I downloaded the movie and will watch it again; hopefully something will come to me.

This is really disturbing me. I can't help but wonder how much of my life is missing, how many memories have fallen into this black hole in my brain. Will it keep getting worse? I've thought about asking to be taken off the Lamictal but I really don't want to mess with my medication mix; I've been stable for the first time in over two years and I just don't want to give that up.

panic

2011-09-22T17:12:00.000-04:00

So the last form my psychiatrist filled out for my disability insurance company was quite positive. Based on what I saw I suspect they are going to recommend a part-time return to work. I'm not sure, and I don't know how soon, but it's coming, I can feel it.

I've been waiting for this for so long. I've been feeling good for a couple of months now and I want to be working, I want to be productive, I want a reason to be up and dressed in the morning, I want to be part of a team again. I've also been worried about being away so long, it's been 16 months now. If they've been able to cope without me maybe they'll decide they don't really need me after all.

Thing is I am terrified. Things change so quickly in software development and I will be lost. Instead of being an expert I'll be starting as a beginner. My difficulties in concentration and memory mean that I am going to have to learn new ways of doing my job. This is going to be tough. I've had severe anxiety the last couple of days just thinking about my return. Please oh please let everything turn out okay.

Discouraged

2011-09-16T19:58:00.001-04:00

So I finally heard from the girl at the Y today. Now the ad they posted specifically said that the candidate should have a degree in translation OR experience in translation. I have only the latter. So she tells me that a degree is necessary but thanks for my interest. I'm discouraged. There were two positions that interested me and both are a bust. :( I'm also a little frustrated. Either this ad is misleading or she just didn't like me, who knows.

I never expected finding a volunteer position would be so difficult. After all I am offering to work for free!

consideration part 2

2011-09-14T08:08:00.000-04:00

So after giving up on the theater company I looked at a second option for a volunteer position. I decided to look into one at the YWCA, doing translation work. The Y is cool and I really enjoy translating, plus it's downtown and I've always wanted to work downtown.

So I call the contact person Monday and leave a message. It's Wednesday and I haven't received a call. I'll call again but I'm frustrated. How hard is it to return a phone call? If they no longer need anyone, simply call and say so. If you are too busy to deal with this right now, again, just call and say so. I checked the website yesterday and the position is still up there, so it looks like it's still open.

I'm starting to lose my optimism about this whole volunteer thing. I thought that people would be more enthusiastic about the idea of finding someone to work for free.

consideration

2011-09-09T07:13:00.000-04:00

I saw a placement counselor at the Volunteer Center last week and she gave me a list of a few positions I might like. One in particular caught my interest; doing office work and bookkeeping for a small independent theater company. I love acting and the theater and I've found that theater people are generally fun and pretty cool.

So I call the contact person last week and leave a message for her to call me. A week goes by and I haven't received a call back, so I call again and leave another message. Still no response.

I'm frustrated now. Maybe they have filled the position, who knows? How can I know if no one calls me? Why not take 2 minutes to callback? Where's the consideration?

my daughter's dx

2011-08-28T18:46:00.000-04:00

A little background...

My daughter was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and ADHD at the ge of 15. She was treated in the adolescent sector at the psychiatric hospital, undergoing both individual therapy and group DBT therapy. She tried Concerta but stopped taking it as she didn't like the side effects. When she turned 19 she was no longer eligible for treatment in the adolescent program. She was reevaluated for a referral to the adult program and was diagnosed with Borderline and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. While waiting for an opening in the program she finally got a family doctor who referred her for yet another evaluation. This time they told her she had outgrown the Borderline (which makes no sense at all), that she didn't have ADHD, she had just an anxiety disorder. They suggested medication, no therapy, and sent the information back to the family doctor. She was called in for an appointment and to our surprise she saw a psychiatrist. This psychiatrist diagnosed her as Bipolar

I am not surprised by this dx, I have suspected she has Bipolar for some time now. She's just too much like me. Of course there is a lot of overlap between Borderline and Bipolar so I can see how the two could be confused, and I suspect that she does have Borderline traits as I do.

She's been started on medication and she's got an appointment to be evaluated for therapy this week. We've been trying to get her treatment for over a year now so this is actually a relief. I'm not happy that she has Bipolar as this illness has been really hard on me and I don't want her to suffer as I have. But she's being treated young and I expect with good meds and therapy she'll be okay. I'm very grateful that she is finally going to get the help she needs.

action plan

2011-08-19T19:42:00.000-04:00

I had an excellent session with my psychiatrist today. We're working on a reintegration plan to help get me ready to go back to work.
My tasks are as folloes:
- maintain a regular sleep/wake schedule
- schedule 1 or 2 activities (no more than 2!) at the same time each weekday and stick to the schedule
- do some volunteer work...I have an appointment on the 31st with a placement counselor to find a position that interests me. I'm thinking I'd like to do some translation work.
- battle my social anxieties by being open to meeting new people, group activities, etc.

Overall I am really happy with what we've come up with and excited about working toward my return. This should also alleviate some of the extreme boredom I've been experiencing lately. It's been a good day...

Personal space

2011-08-16T10:52:00.001-04:00

On the bus this morning a woman sat next to me. The seats are pretty small so when she moved around her arm kept brushing me. I felt like screaming; I simply cannot tolerate being touched by strangers. (Not very practical living in a big city.). The worst is flying, trapped in close quarters with no escape; makes me anxious enough to knock myself out.

random ramblings?

2011-08-14T14:10:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking that if I want to really get back into blogging I need to start posting regularly even if I don't feel I have anything interesting to post about. So I'm going to try to find one random thing to write about every couple of days.

Today's ramble...a couple days ago I was on the subway and there was this woman clipping her nails. One of the nails actually bounced over and touched me. Eww. Who does that?

manic projects

2011-07-31T09:54:00.000-04:00

Another one of my manic behaviors is starting projects, most of which don't even get started, or are dropped quickly once started. Following is a list of many projects that seemed like a good idea at the time:
- learning to play piano (started but haven't played in months)
- learning to play harmonica (not started)
- creating a vocal recording studio (collected all equipment but haven't learned the software)
- knitting (I'm finally knitting again after neglecting it for around 2 years)
- sewing (what was I thinking? I failed sewing in school and I have no idea what I'm doing)
- collecting fashion magazines (I have a stack of around 50 unread magazines)
- acting (took some classes and bought a bunch of books over a year ago - haven't read the books and I can't afford the classes
- witchcraft (read the books and collected the tools needed to perform rituals which I haven't done)
- project management (started reading one book - no concentration)
- reading classics (no concentration)
- exercise equipment (am exercising sporadically)
- candlemaking (off and on...I need more supplies that I can't afford right now)
- yoga (practiced maybe 5 times)
- ballet (installed barre and bought new pointe shoes but is too hard on my back right now)
- singing (am actively taking lessons but not practicing enough)
- reading in french (no concentration)
- tarot (lost interest after a couple of weeks, need to learn the cards properly)
- songwriting (haven't even opened the books)
- blogging (sporadic updates, often can't think of anything to write about)

Estimated amount spent on these projects = $7650. No wonder I'm always poor!

I'd like to think that eventually I will be able to work on some of these projects when I'm stable, but who knows when that might happen. :(

Anyone else have a project addiction?

I think I broke my foot!

2011-07-20T08:33:00.001-04:00

One of my manic symptoms is overestimating my abilities. In this case I was compelled to do handstands in my apartment. I decided I should show off my skills to my boyfriend however I was off balance and ended up smacking my foot hard.

It actually looks worse than it hurts. I'm a dumbass, lol!

Manic

2011-07-19T10:07:00.001-04:00

I've been manic 5 days now. Not one of those happy manias where I feel on top of the world but an ugly toxic energy that I just can't control. Too hyperactive to concentrate on anything I've had no outlet for my energy and I feel like I'm going crazy, like I'm crawling in my own skin, like I'm going to explode. I spent the weekend eating benzos just to try to calm myself.

I know what precipitated this; I stayed up too late Thursday and then had trouble sleeping. It's so difficult for me to accept that I absolutely need to follow a rigid sleep schedule. What kind of life is this if I can't go out and have some fun; stay up late when I want to?

I suppose I'm still struggling with denial. I don't want to be a sick person, I don't want to accept this illness, I don't like the lack of spontaneity that bipolar imposes on me. :(

knit updates

2011-06-26T12:26:00.000-04:00

Two projects finished!

Drop stitch shawl (no pattern, simple 4row repeat of yarnovers, dropped stitches and 2 knit rows) made in a cream color 100% cotton.

Best Friend Cardigan (from Twinkle's Big City Knits)
Even though my gauge was correct and I followed the pattern exactly the sweater was too small in the front, especially the chest area. The patterns in this book seem to run small in general, I think they are designed for flat-chested supermodels! I ended up picking up stitches along the front edges and adding 10 rows in garter stitch and now it fits perfectly. The extra rows around the collar changed the neckline considerably but I think I like the finished result better than the original.

So now I'm down to three projects on the needles. I'm fighting the impulse to cast on a couple more, at least until I finish the legwarmers I'm working on. I've parked the Spiral Boot Socks for a bit as my lace skills are still pretty rusty and my Camden sweater is knit on such tiny needles that it'll likely take a year to complete!

Boring!

2011-06-09T14:41:00.000-04:00

My life is so boring right now. I so want to be back working; I need to be productive, but my psychiatrist says I'm not ready yet. :( My psychologist tells me that my boredom is a good sign and she feels I'll be back by the end of the summer. I've been reading which is another really positive sign; my cognitive functions seem to be returning. I suppose I should be enjoying the summer off, but it's been a year that I've been off work and it just feels like enough.

This morning I actually got up and worked out for the first time in weeks. I'm so proud of myself. I really need to get back in shape. Sitting around the house makes me really lazy. Today I kicked myself out of the house. I wandered around looking at clothes I can't afford. (I did pick up some cute earrings though.) Now I'm sitting outside at Starbucks killing time. Usually I enjoy chilling alone but today I'm feeling a little lonely. I definitely need some real-life/local friends. But how do you meet people when you're not doing anything? It's not like I can take out an ad "friends wanted". Even if I could, what's the chances of meeting someone compatible? I miss being young and in school where friends were so easy to come by. I miss my friends back in Edmonton and Vancouver.

Coffee's done, I suppose I'll wander on home...

Neglect

2011-06-05T09:40:00.001-04:00

Yes I'm guilty. I've neglected my blog for far too long. Cognitive difficulties and a just plain boring life have given me writer's block.

For those out there who have felt writers block and managed to keep posting anyway, what's your secret?

So for now just an update. Today I'm feeling good; stable and comfortable. The last month has been rough, dominated by med changes, some bring out the worst in me. But today is a good day; no desperate depression bringing out the darkness in me, no rage, no hypomanic energy that makes me feel like I'm crawling in my own skin, desperate for stimulation. I've even been able to start reading again! Some concentration difficulties remain but I'm not letting myself get frustrated. Instead I just keep at it. I am determined to get back to work as soon as possible.
I just hope this time the stability will stick around a while!

I've had some great support from family and friends. My daughter and boyfriend are so supportive and help to steer me in the right direction whenever I'm a little lost. I have 2 amazing long distance friends, one in particular who helps me more than he could possibly know. (If you are reading this you know who you are.)

I've started knitting again. I think I've got 4 projects on the needles presently. I've found I need to start with some easy stuff to get back into the craft. It's hard for me to patient and enjoy the creation aspect instead of focusing solely on the finished project but I'm getting better. Next post I'll do a knitting update and post some pictures. I can also be found on Ravelry username = arachniagirl.

I am really going to make an effort to keep blogging even if I feel my life is too boring to share. Hopefully there's a few readers left out there who will appreciate my updates even if they aren't very exciting. :)

works in progress

2011-04-26T10:54:00.000-04:00

Finishing my "Springtime in Paris" sweater seems to have rekindled my knitting obsession.

In typical bipolar fashion I've started four new projects for a total of five projects presently on the needles.

Oncleows - (knitty.com) cute little ankle warmers; a little project that provides quick gratification. I'm using up some pretty Noro Silver Thaw that I have leftover from a hat/scarf project.

Postmodern Legwarmers - (knitty.com) As a dancer I've always loved legwarmers, especially if they are big, slouchy and warm. Our chilly spring is the ideal time to sport some funky legwarmers so I'm knitting up a pair in Sean Sheep Wooloomooloo. The colors include shades of orange, crimson, blue grays with threads of gold throughout. Very funky and fun.

Drop-stitch shawl - no pattern, just a basic repeat of knit rows and yarn-over/drop-stitch rows. I'm using some Bernat cotton in an off-white shade. Even though it's a relatively quick knit the desired size of the shawl means this one will take a while to finish up. It's a little boring to knit but should turn out really nice.

Camden pullover - (knitty.com) an adorable pullover with detachable buttoned on sleeves. I love quirky designs and the detachable sleeves are super cool. When buttoned on they are attached but the majority of the sleeve is open around the arm making them really unique. I saw a similar sweater in a department store for $1000! This is a slow knit on small needles and will likely take me a year to get through as long as I keep working other projects at the same time. I'm using Rowanspun 4-ply in "spiced orange" which is actually more brown than orange...it's a beautiful colorway which should look great on a pale-skinned redhead (me).

I've still got a sock to do to finish my spiral boot socks but I'm leaving that one on the back burner for now as the spiral pattern is somewhat difficult and I'm just getting back into the knitting game.
One downside to all this knitting is that I've been parked on my butt and I haven't exercised in over a week now; I've already regained 3 pounds. :( Due to a decrease in the Seroquel I'm taking I haven't been sleeping well at all so I feel really fatigued all day long. I'm starting a second decrease today so I don't expect any improvement for a couple of weeks at least. Med changes always hit me hard. :(

Springtime in Paris

2011-04-12T08:04:00.000-04:00

I've finally finished the sweater I started over three years ago!

My only complaint about this pattern is that it underestimated the amount of year needed and I ran out halfway through the last sleeve. I had to order another ball and was lucky that the colors matched as it was of course from a different dye lot. I attached the lapels as they seemed to flop around a little and am considering placing buttons at the attachment, I'm not sure yet.

The fit is perfect and overall I'm really happy with the results.

I'm presently working on a drop stitch shawl and am considering starting a cute pullover with detachable sleeves. I should work on completing my spiral boot socks but I'm waiting until my brain is functioning a little better as the pattern is pretty complicated.

Student envy

2011-03-16T19:47:00.001-04:00

So I'm sitting in the U district, kicking back at Starbucks while I try to find the energy and motivation to go do my groceries.
There's piles of students here, chatting in groups, solitarily studying...but amongst them all there's this energy you can feel, energy that comes from wide open futures, promises of dreams to come.
I'm sad. I'm sad for the me who gave that all up to have a baby, not realizing that they were once in a lifetime feelings that would never return
I'm sad for my daughter who should be in these crowds but is instead trapped at home just trying to hang in there day by day.
I'm sad that these kids will never realize how magical their lives are until that magic is gone.

If only wisdom and experience didn't have to destroy those innocent hopes and dreams...

I can read!

2011-02-22T13:57:00.000-05:00

All of a sudden I've regained some concentration and I can read. I went nuts yesterday and read for a few hours...I'm 60% finished a book I downloaded. It's an easy read but this is still a huge accomplishment.

I feel good. Kind of stable. I'm not letting myself get too excited about this as it could just be a tease but it really feels good. Of course I have a week with only one appointment which hasn't happened in months and it is so relaxing, my anxiety is way down...I stress when I have lots of appointments and places I need to be. This won't last though; I hope that I can stay calm once the pressures of a full schedule resume.

I'm really working on mindfulness; living in the moment without rushing into the future or ruminating about the past. It's hard, my mind is always spinning with thoughts and I'm constantly thinking about the future or the past. When I do manage to stop my thoughts and just take in what's around me right now, how I feel right now, it's kind of peaceful and calming. This is crazy difficult but I think it's really going to be helpful in the long run.

silk sleeves

2011-02-22T13:39:00.000-05:00

I've been working on the "silk sleeves" from the book One Skein and I finished them last week. I made a pair using some fuzzy yarn but wasn't happy with them as they stretched out and slipped down, plus they were itchy.
I decided to make another pair using the sock yarn that I used for the "Fetching" fingerless gloves so I could wear them together. I'm quite pleased with the results.

Silk Sleeves

Silk Sleeves with Fetching gloves

Charnin and an update

2011-02-20T13:11:00.000-05:00

So the Charmin extra strong commercials really bug me. Watching a bear come from the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to his ass; that's just so wrong. I suppose it could be worse; imagine if they decided to use humans...creepy. In any case the dirty bear freaks me out.The fact that we are subjected to seeing bears butts is just eewww.

So about me. I'm getting closer to some kind of stability, I've settled into a mild depression which is a relief compared to bouncing all over the place. I convinced my psychiatrist to reduce my lithium back down to 600mg and the shakes, while still bothersome, are manageable. I'm still suffering from crippling anxiety and relying on Ativan far too often.

Please scroll down for the rest of my update; something went weird with the formatting of this post and I don't know how to fix it.

My DBT group is going well. I'm happy with what I've learned so far and am looking forward to the next sections which will address distress tolerance, dealing with anxiety, managing emotions, etc. I'm sure this will be helpful. In addition, I might be making some friends. Two of the girls in my group have talked abound the 3 of us going for coffee so I gave them my number. I really need some friends and it would be nice to hang with friends who have bipolar so I don't have to explain my moods, so no one will be offended if I'm in a difficult, irritable or mean mood. I really hope she calls this week.

dumb brain

2011-02-08T22:21:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so I know it's been a while since I've posted, but I have an excuse. I have the dumb. Dumb brain. Words just don't come, creative thought processes are completely shut down. I feel like I couldn't be witty or interesting to save my life. I want to talk, I just don't know how; I want to write and words won't come.

So...I know this post is just a little lame, but that's all I've got today. Hopefully some cognitive functioning will return soon!

a trying morning

2011-02-03T20:45:00.000-05:00

I had an appointment at the hospital this morning so I set my alarm for 7am. I woke up at 8:15. So I forced myself into turbo drive, getting ready in record time. Took a look at my car to find it was completely snowed in; the city had plowed the road leaving a wall of compacted snow behind my car. So I decided to take the metro/bus. I had wrote out the route information the night before just in case. I get to the metro only 3 minutes behind schedule so it looked like it would be okay. I get to my station and start looking for the bus stop; I can't find it anywhere. I pulled out my BlackBerry (freezing my hands) and pulled up the Google directions, the bus stop was 2 blocks away from the metro. At this point I had already missed my bus and would have to wait for the next one. So I start walking just to find I've gone in the wrong direction. Turned around and walked 4 blocks to the right intersection. Found the bus stop and waited in the brutal cold. Finally the bus came and I asked the driver to let me know when we were at the hospital. He told me I was on the wrong bus! I had to be going in the other direction. Sigh. I finally got on the right bus and got to the hospital a half hour late. What a morning! No wonder I'm tired today.

The reward of candlemaking

2011-01-26T15:24:00.000-05:00

silk sleeves update

2011-01-26T02:37:00.000-05:00

I'm not happy with the sleeves; the yarn is too stretchy and they won't stay up. They are also a little itchy. So I've decided to do them again in a different yarn.

silk sleeves

2011-01-23T20:25:00.000-05:00

I finally finished the silk sleeves I'm been working on; they're kind of like leg warmers for your arms. I worked with a super fuzzy yarn and I was cursing a lot! In any case, they're done and I like them, they are comfy and toasty as well as unusual.

Now I just need to get motivated to finish my sweater before it's summer. I have only one sleeve left...

calm

2011-01-23T12:23:00.000-05:00

Slept 10 hours last night, which is normal for me. I have a little anxiety and frustration this morning, but nothing like it's been. Overall I'm feeling fairly calm. Here's hoping I'm not going to slide back into a depression. ***fingers crossed***

hypomanic

2011-01-22T19:04:00.000-05:00

The rage has passed. Turned on a dime Friday and all of a sudden I was all bubbly and energized, laughing and smiling but incapable of sitting still. I am so bored right now but I don't have the attention to actually do anything. I feel like moving, going out dancing, drinking myself silly, making friends with everyone in the bar. I never feel like this...my crazy bar days are over, I'm really mellow now.

Thankfully I'm spending the weekend with my boyfriend, he's helping to hold me down. But I'm still bored; I'm running out of thing to do on the internet and I can't think of anything else I could do that doesn't require any real brain power. I hope this passes soon!

hatred

2011-01-19T16:54:00.000-05:00

The evil has persisted. I didn't want to leave the house today; I just wanted to stay home and work on calming my feelings. But I had to come to the clinic to get some med refills. There's no GPs available here so I use one walk-in clinic to address pain management for my lower back injury while I am on waiting lists to see specialists.

This is the worst thing I could have done today. I had to take the metro and the bus; I swear I was staring at people like I wanted to kill them. Some guy begging for money touched my arm and I shot him a look; he took off without even asking me for money. I was petty too, looking around, picking apart people - their looks, their clothes, their mannerisms, their ethnicity. Being really mean.

So now I get to the clinic and it's hell. I'm going to have to sit here for at least 2 hours and the place is filled with stupid people. I'm thinking racist thoughts, feeling like I want to kill some of the people, toddlers running around screaming and crying and I want to strangle them.

These are scary thoughts. I believe I'm a good person so where the hell is all this shit coming from? I don't understand. I don't like this state...this needs to pass soon.

rage

2011-01-18T18:27:00.000-05:00

Today I woke up angry. Angry and frustrated; not with anything or anyone in particular, just plain pissed off. There's definitely an anxiety component in there too, so Ativan is my friend today, keeping me a little sedated so I can control my temper.

This doesn't look good. I was depressed for months but at least the meds had stopped the rapid cycling and mixed episodes. When we added Abilify I had 3 or 4 weeks where I felt stable and happy. Pdoc doubled the Lithium to get me back to therapeutic levels and I fell into a deep depression. Now I'm raging and full of negative energy. Looks to me like I'm going to start rapid cycling again. Fuck. When does this get better? When will I be able to have a life again? Sigh.

So depressed today

2011-01-11T12:44:00.000-05:00

I woke up to my alarm feeling like a slug. It took me 45 minutes to get out of bed. Then I got ready at a snail's pace. Got to the allergy clinic and almost bawled in the waiting room. Everything is gray. There's so many things I can do yet nothing appeals to me. I need to exercise, I'm already gaining back the weight I lost because I haven't worked out in a week, but I just can't seem to "just do it". Last night I sat in my chair and looked at nothing for a good hour. I'd go back to bed but I can't sleep without Seroquel; maybe with Ativan, sometimes it works other times it doesn't.

One thing I love is sitting at Starbucks with an Americano, poking around the internet and people watching. I'm here right now and even that is blah. Everything is blah. I have to go get groceries. I so don't want to deal with the grocery store. I'll want to run people over with my cart, I know I will. I don't know what to buy, nothing appeals to me. Cooking feels like an enormous effort, I've been ordering food all week, but I am so low on cash, I need to get my shit together now.

I know I'm whining. I know I'm absorbed in self-pity. I know that writing this all out actually makes me feel worse, at least right now it does. Yet I feel I have a right to rant, vent, moan. I'm suffering and it hurts.

let there be light

2011-01-10T20:05:00.000-05:00

The best part about making candles is having plenty to burn...

sleepless

2011-01-08T00:01:00.000-05:00

I've been suffering from insomnia often lately. Last night I so should have stayed in bed as I'm sick with a painful sinus infection but instead I was up late making candles again.

Royal blue molded pillars:

Container candles in progress:

Overdipped pillars:

I think I'll take a break now; I need new molds and I'm running low on wax and I just can't afford to spend the cash right now.

Maybe I'll get some sleep now...

weight loss!!!

2011-01-04T16:25:00.000-05:00

Seroquel has been the medication I've responded to more than all the others we've tried. Down side is that I've gained 15 pounds since starting it, all in my midsection. I tried and tried dieting but nothing was working, I couldn't get past the first 5 pounds no matter what I did.

A few months I started a physical therapy program as part of my overall treatment at the psych hospital. (It's been proven that exercise helps our mood, so the idea is that they will start a program to get you going and exercising on your own.) I went in for an hour twice a week and had a personal trainer who developed a program for me. I was so motivated by how much stronger and healthier I felt after just two weeks that I purchased a treadmill, used but a professional model in excellent condition. I knew that I would not be motivated to go outside and walk during the winter and I can't ride my bike.

This morning I decided to jump on the scale; something I haven't done in awhile. I was so surprised to see that I've lost 12 pounds of the 15 that I gained! 3 more to get back to my pre-Seroquel weight and 8 to reach my goal weight. I was dancing around my apartment doing a little victory dance then decided to start trying on the clothes in my closet. I can fit into my clothes again. A couple skirts are a tiny bit snug but still wearable. I am so thrilled. I am so motivated that I decided to walk to do my errands today, which is over an hour of walking, even though it's chilly and snowing.

Go me!!!

Music and emotional overreactivity

2011-01-02T23:33:00.001-05:00

One of the symptoms of bipolar disorder is emotional overreactivity. Hard to say exactly what that means, but I know that my emotions are much stronger than other peoples in response to a given situation. Sometimes I appreciate this, it shows that I'm actually experiencing life instead of wandering around zombie-like.

Music touches me profoundly. Too strong really. A sad song with meaningful lyrics can take me back to the darkest times in my life, make me feel like life is hopeless. An upbeat song makes me want to go dancing all night long and embrace whatever adventure might arise.

Yet music is an integral part of my life. I need music in my world, I need to listen, to sing, to play my piano. I would shrivel up and die inside without music. Especially the sad songs.

There are a number of musicians "coming out" recently about their bipolarity. Is it possible that people with bipolar hear music differently? Music is such a personal experience, how could we know?

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T19:25:00.000-05:00

Happy new year...we say this to neighbors, friends, family, sometimes even complete strangers.

But do we ever stop to think about what we are saying? We're wishing others happiness in the new year. Not prosperity, success, or even good fortune, but happiness. This whole concept of happiness seems to elude our society. How often do we simply stop during our busy days, reflect on all that is right in our worlds, and find a sense of contentment just for being in that moment? How often do we make decisions in our life based on increasing our happiness instead of whatever other motivations are involved? How often do we ignore society's assumption that chasing our own happiness is somehow selfish?

It is not selfish to concentrate on finding our personal happiness. It can even be argued that the positivity of a happy person has significant positive effects on family, workplace, society.

I'm not one for making new year's resolutions but I have one this year. I am going to try to put my happiness first and see what happens. I have a feeling the future will be brighter, or at least my eyes will see it brighter.

SingStar + Rockband!

2010-12-30T15:10:00.001-05:00

My boyfriend gave me a PS3, Rockband 2 with a microphone and guitar, and SingStar 2! Unfortunately the Rockband microphone won't work with SingStar. (What's up with that? Talk about a cash grab.). So, I'm on my way to buy SingStar amped with the microphone kit. I'm going to be singing today regardless of this stupid cold! :)

Stonecandle = 0/10

2010-12-30T09:42:00.000-05:00

In my posts on the 24th I showcased my stone candle. It was made by inserting a sleeve into the mold, then the stones were placed in between the sleeve and the mold. As the wax hardens the sleeve is gradually removed, leaving the embedded material at the exterior of the candle. With the stone candle the weight of the stones must have been too much as many of the stones ended up in the center of the candle. It still looked kind of cool though.

However functionally it was a bust. As soon as the wax heated up rocks started falling from the candle. After only a couple hours burn time is looked like this:

It kind of reminds me of the lava rock I saw in Maui, except without the little bubbles. An interesting experiment but definitely not a do-again.

My super-cool gift.

2010-12-28T20:21:00.000-05:00

I've been using an 8 year old Kodak EasyShare camera to post my photos, and well, it's pretty crappy. So my daughter bought me a new camera for Christmas! It's a Sony Cyber-Shot and it looks really awesome. It's got these really cool features like being able to detect when people smile and stuff. I'm going to have to look at the user's manual to figure it all out.

I'm really happy! Expect much nicer photos in the future! :)

stone

2010-12-24T11:11:00.001-05:00

stone, originally uploaded by arachniagirl.

stone detail

2010-12-24T11:10:00.001-05:00

stone detail, originally uploaded by arachniagirl.

20 lbs. of fun!

2010-12-24T11:07:00.002-05:00

Molded pillars

So, I finally found a supplier to ship some paraffin for a reasonable shipping cost (which was still expensive but this stuff is heavy). So I ordered 20 lbs. of wax which arrived yesterday.

I used close to 5 lbs. last night making molded pillars. The pink and white on the left are rose-scented aromatherapy candles. The purple on the right are aromatherapy candles scented with Sensuality (a delicious scent containing ylang ylang and patchouli created by Escents which is the best store for soaps/essential oils/skin care/etc.).

The center candle is a stone candle with small stones embedded in the wax, a cinnamon scent and real cinnamon sprinkled throughout the wax. Close up and detain in the below pics.

4 hours in the kitchen creating pretty things = fun! :) Now that I have 15 new pillars I'm going to try my hand at container candles. I haven't made a container candle in 11 years and even then I only made 1 or 2.

3 & 4

2010-12-21T14:10:00.002-05:00

100_6710, originally uploaded by arachniagirl.

Candle #2

2010-12-21T14:09:00.002-05:00

100_6707, originally uploaded by arachniagirl.

Candle #1

2010-12-21T14:08:00.002-05:00

100_6709, originally uploaded by arachniagirl.

Candles

2010-12-21T13:56:00.001-05:00

Candle making is one of my hobbies that was sitting in a bin down in my storage locker; it's been years since I've opened that bin. Randomly I decided I want to make candles again. I did a couple last week, they turned out okay but nowhere near the quality when I was making them regularly.

Problem is I need supplies. I've searched and searched and couldn't find any stores nearby. Finally I found one craft store that carries supplies but they don't have paraffin blocks, they have only vegetable and soya waxes. I am skilled at making paraffin candles and don't want to change my techniques. The blocks are available online but they are so expensive because the shipping costs are ridiculously high.

I made 4 last night with the paraffin I had remaining. I'm happy to say that I'm getting my skills back; these ones turned out pretty cool. I'll post pictures when I get back home.

I need supplies! I don't want to kill this hobby/interest. I need to be creative right now. When I can't be creative I get depressed and I simply can't handle another depression right now!

so much for being happy

2010-12-18T15:28:00.000-05:00

My new pdoc raised my lithium (which I was trying to get off of) because she wants me at therapeutic levels. Thing is it's not stabilizing my mood, instead it's messing with my moods. I've been experiencing high levels of anxiety, I'm irritable and frustrated, and I had a manic episode for the first time in a long time.
Other side effects include cystic acne, edema, tremors, and flu-like symptoms. I am convinced that my body hates this drug. It's like it's toxic, the way my legs swell so I don't see my ankles freaks me out.

I'm a little pissed off. I know my pdoc loves this drug but I wish she would follow the plan I had with my old doc to taper off the med. I can't be too angry though because I agreed to try going back up; we always have choices, right? I need to get tough next visit and insist that we get rid of the lithium. I want my happy back!

happy

2010-12-01T17:46:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling happy. It's been a really long time since I've been able to say that. Adding Abilify has made a world of difference. (I'm just like the girl in the commercial, haha!)
On top of the med change I'm visiting my parents. I came out for Thanksgiving and am staying until Monday. Being around people who love you does wonders for the mood.
I still can't believe that I can say I feel good!

Knitting update - my sweater has only one sleeve to go then I can stitch it all together. I started working on these little armwarmers in a nice grey fuzzy wool, I think they are going to be really cute. I didn't bring any knitting with me due to the issues with metal needles on airplanes...I'm actually anxious to get home and finish the armwarmers. I'll post pics once I've got one done.

ten years

2010-11-07T11:22:00.000-05:00

A couple weeks ago I received a watch from my company for my 10-year anniversary. It's actually really nice, and it's been personalized with engraving on the back.

I was so impressed. Due to all the cutbacks my company has made to ensure that we survive these difficult economic times I didn't expect to receive anything. I also received a note signed by the president of the company congratulating me and saying he hoped I would be with the company for a long time to come. (I know it's a form letter, but it was pretty cool all the same.)

I can't believe it's been 10 years. It doesn't seem all that long ago that I was so very excited when I got the job; how my whole future seemed so bright, how I was returning to my hometown...I was so very happy.

I kicked ass at work, three promotions, the golden child of the office, easily taking on enough work that I replaced two past employees, taking on a team that was thought to be beyond repair and training them to be one of the best teams in the country, streamlining processes, handling everything that was thrown my way. Of course I was hypomanic through most of this, I even had a second job for part of this time...I was superwoman.

Now I'm depressed and I can't work for the first time in my life. There have been so many changes in my organization, my job has changed drastically, processes that I created have been replaced by standardized processes across North America. I couldn't handle this and I became very negative. I was arguing with my manager, feeling angry all the time and crying at work often. Going on disability was the best decision, working on getting my shit together before I tanked my career entirely. It's been almost six months now that I haven't worked and I feel ready to start back, just one day a week to start, gradually working my way back to full-time. Only problem is that I'm trouble reading and I have to read and write technical documents. I really hope that this will resolve itself once this depression lifts.

I've had a lot of time to think about my attitude toward work. The thing is that I have choices. If I can't remain positive and learn to adjust to change I can always go get another job, I'm not trapped there. But I like the security, the benefits, the comfort I feel after 10 years. I don't believe I could handle the stress of starting a new job. So I've decided that I need to focus on the positive and let the rest just roll off, to accept that work is just that, that it doesn't define me, that I can create personal successes outside of the workplace. I believe that I've figured this out, that I can remind myself of all the positives in my work and my life when I'm feeling frustrated or angry. I think that I'm going to go back better than ever, happier than I've been in the last few years. Receiving that gift has somehow helped me to have renewed faith in my company, to look at the positive aspects instead of the negative.

Ten years is a long time. Time is flying these days. I remember when I was young how time stretched out so slowly, how I couldn't wait to become an adult. I remember when my daughter was born and how time was measured by her development...time was rolling a little faster but I was still able to appreciate each day. Now time seems to be racing along. I go from appointment to appointment these days, each evening comes too quickly, I feel as though I never have time to just appreciate the days. I'm getting old, my body is starting to show the signs of age, as if it's parts are wearing old, aches and pains popping up alongside wrinkles and the effects of years of gravity. I feel like I'm running out of time and I need to be somewhere, but I don't know where, there's something I need to do, but I don't know what. I want to slow down the clock, I want to be childlike and full of hope and dreams for the future. Is this possible? If so, how?

cognitive functions impaired

2010-11-06T23:35:00.000-04:00

I know I should be posting more often, and I want to, but it's just so difficult right now. My brain is mush. Short-term memory is shot and reading simply impossible. I'm always searching for words, half the time I remember the word in the wrong language!

I don't know if this is the bipolar or the medication, but it's making me crazy. It takes me days to answer an email because I have to take a few passes at it, I can't concentrate long enough to write a reply.

I really hope this goes away. I need to be super-sharp to do my job, and I really need to get back working soon.

Seems like there is always something, no?

I kicked myself out of my house

2010-10-27T18:15:00.000-04:00

Not forever or anything, just for a couple hours. I've been a lump all day as I had no appointments booked...I did some knitting for a couple hours while watching 24 episodes on dvd, then I fucked up my knitting and it took me an hour to try to salvage five stitches. I wasn't ripping it back no matter what, I was too frustrated. The repair doesn't look so bad, and it's on the sleeve seam so it shouldn't be noticeable, at least I hope not! Wasn't in the mood for more tv or knitting, didn't feel like singing, really didn't feel like cleaning...I was bored.

At this point I thought it would be so nice if I could read a book. I love to read, probably because it's one of the few activities that let my mind be quiet for a while. Since I've been having all these concentration difficulties I haven't been able to read which is so frustrating. So I figured it might be worth a shot, that I should go to the library and find some simple chicklit and try to read. Even if I'm only able to read 5-10 minutes at a time it would be a start and maybe practicing will help my concentration.

So I peeled my pajama-clad body from my favorite chair and shoved myself into the shower. I slowly got ready, putting on makeup, experimenting with some new eye color shades, and fussing with my hair. I put on one of my favorite little dresses, my adored over-the-knee Steve Madden boots...I almost bailed at the last minute but I didn't. I went to the library and found 3 books, then took the train to my favorite Starbucks. Incidentally rush hour is the best time to take the metro if you don't mind standing as the trains run so often; even if you just miss one the next will be there in 2 minutes.

I'm out on the patio at Starbucks...I don't know why I love this so much; maybe because it reminds me of Vancouver. I've actually had a problem here because my wireless won't connect to their hotspot anymore but now that I have my new mobile internet key I can connect wherever whenever...it's very cool!
I'm happily sipping my coffee, smoking a cigarette, posting away. It's getting dark and just a little chilly but I'll stick it out just a little longer. I do need to get home to walk my dog - I am so sick of walking my dog, I feel sorry for the little guy cause it seems mommy's always cranky on the walks. :( Must work on that.

creepy commercial

2010-10-26T10:44:00.000-04:00

I keep stumbling on these TV commercials that I find more than a little creepy. I never used to watch much TV so I'm not sure if this is a new tread, but I keep asking myself "what were they thinking?".

The latest - Charmin toilet paper. Now I love Charmin, it's the only tp that I'll buy. But the ads they are running these days are just freaky.

First we see a cartoon bear with little pieces of toilet paper stuck to his ass. That in itself is just plain wrong. Imagining a cute little cartoon bear taking a shit just ruins all the warm fuzzies I felt when seeing cartoon bears.

The worst offender however is their slogan, "enjoy the go". Enjoy the go? Did I hear that right? Are they seriously suggesting that I might enjoy going to the bathroom if I buy their toilet paper? Like taking a shit will somehow be fun? I do not "enjoy the go"! It's a necessary part of being human, this need to urinate and defecate, I tolerate it at best, but never could I possibly imagine enjoying it. If little bears jumped off the toilet paper and did a song and dance while I was sitting on the toilet I still would not "enjoy the go"!

Makes you wonder about the ad executives that came up with this slogan. Ok, one guy, maybe too much acid as a kid, he could come up with the idea, but others supported the idea. Imagine these guys sitting around in a boardroom brainstorming and someone throws that out there..."what about "enjoy the go"?". Imagine the rest of them saying "yes!" and high fiving the guy for his great idea. Now imagine these guys pitching the idea to the Charmin people and them saying "yes!" and buying the idea.

I'm not getting this. Is it just me? Is this some brilliant advertising slogan? Am I missing something here? Or are all these guys on crack and completely out of touch with reality?

If they were going for brand recognition they've got it, hands down. It takes a pretty unusual commercial for me to blog about it, and I will never ever forget the name Charmin. But brand recognition isn't always a good thing, you want to entice people to buy your product. I'm not sure how many people are going to switch to Charmin because they believe it will make them enjoy going to the bathroom. (Hopefully not many, as that would be a very sad indication of the level of intelligence in our society.) I'm sticking to my Charmin because I love the product, but if I had another favorite these ads would not make me even consider switching.

messed up again

2010-10-16T14:46:00.000-04:00

Last night was rough. It started when my boyfriend was trying to speak English to me. He's needed to communicate in English more and more in his work and needs the practice. But It's frustrating for me. I have trouble waiting for him to find his words, trouble understanding what he's trying to say. For the most part I feel like my brain is fighting me - we've only ever communicated in French and my brain simply switches to French when I'm with him.

So in my head my brain was screaming "enough", except somehow it managed to come out of my mouth. :(
He was so hurt and absolutely with reason. I was so mean. That's got to be the worst thing to hear when trying to learn a new language. When you're putting yourself out on a limb like that, pushing past feeling self conscious; well, it's just really hard. I know this, I remember how painful it was for me only a few years ago. He was hurt and I felt awful. I don't know how I could have said that out loud.

I apologized and tried to explain, but really, what can you say in a situation like this? I apologized and he said it was okay, but it wasn't okay. He couldn't even look at me.

I felt so awkward and uncomfortable. I couldn't stay where I was, my mind was swimming, I couldn't stop crying, and I needed to be small. I went into the bathroom and curled up in a ball, put my hood over my head so I could hide in my little ball. It's been two years since I've needed to be small. I'm frustrated. I'm working so hard to get better and times like this make me think I haven't made any progress at all.

I no longer feel small but still feel mean and sad. :(

Time for an update

2010-10-09T20:45:00.000-04:00

No specific topic here, simply an update of what's been going on.

I'm sick. This stupid flu thing that's been hitting people from coast to coast has decided to pay me a visit. Blah.

I went to a singing lesson last week! I am so proud of myself; it's been months. I was supposed to start a couple week ago but I blew off the first two classes. I had some pretty heavy anxiety but just took 2 Ativan and pushed myself out the door.

I had so much fun! First, my instructor is an amazing woman. We get along so well, she's sweet and funny, I love her. Then my voice which was sounding like a strangled cat without months of practice started to remember what I needed to do and started to sound half-decent. I'm really looking forward to the next lesson. :)

I saw my new pdoc and she seems ok. I'm sure it's going to take a while for us to connect as there's so much history she needs to catch up on, but at least she seems decent. We've raised the Abilify dosage which was helping until I got sick. (I slept 12 hours last night!)

I'm starting a physical therapy program through the psych hospital next week. Based on the concept that physical exercise improves the mood and thus can help people with mood disorders, they offer a program for us crazy folks. ;) I will work out 2 times per week with a personal trainer until the end of December.

I've decided that I'm going to buy a treadmill. They say that walking will help my back and I know I'm going to want to keep exercising once I get into the swing of it. I've found a used one that looks good and reasonably priced; I'm going to check it out Wednesday night. Of course I can't afford it right now, but I think it warrants taking a loan out of my overdraft. I can repay it in 2 months no problem. Once it gets cold here and the snow starts I can't walk outside.

My friend in Jersey who is a sewer has rekindled my desire to sew. So I've been spending too much money on fabrics and supplies. As if I didn't already have enough abandoned projects. It's ridiculous how much I've invested in these projects; thousands of dollars. In the manic times I was able to do a bunch of stuff because I didn't sleep much and of course my shopping addiction didn't help matters.

I've had "lack of interest" big time but it seems to be lifting. I'm singing, now I feel like sewing...the rest will come, I'm sure they will. As my energy improves, so does my interest. Now if I could just improve my impaired cognitive processes... No, I must remember one thing at a time, one day at a time.

My daughter's psych evaluation is scheduled for Thursday. Her former therapist has been amazing; pushing and pushing so we could avoid all the ridiculous processes and red tape bs to get this evaluation. I'm really happy...it's time for her to come out of the cave and start living life again. She needs to get back to school and to have successes to build her confidence. I really hope they will be able to place her in a program that will help her.

Okay, time for a nap...I feel like crap, ugh.

Road trip!

2010-09-24T18:53:00.000-04:00

My daughter and I drove down to South Jersey to visit some friends yesterday. Eight hours of driving had me feeling a little batty and more than a little sore but it's so worth it; we're having a wonderful time. I got treated to a massage this morning which did wonders to relax those kinked up shoulders; it was really great. Sunday we're headed to NYC and will be driving home Sunday night.

It's really beautiful here. Lots of old houses, mature trees...so nice to get out of the city for a bit. Tomorrow we're headed to Philadelphia; it will be my first time there so very cool. I don't want to go home!

It's going to be all about me

2010-09-08T11:25:00.000-04:00

I've decided that instead of trying to attract readers I will simply blog about whatever I feel like. I was thinking about focusing this blog on one topic so as to attract and keep readers interested in coming back. However this site doesn't get many hits and when I considered the benefits of attracting followers versus blogging on whatever topic I feel like when I feel like it, I decided that I would enjoy the latter. Really, isn't that what this should be about, having fun with a blog?

So, expect self-indulgent whining, random topics, sporadic updates at times... In fact, don't have any expectations at all.

To post or not to post?

2010-08-25T13:04:00.000-04:00

I haven't been well and my brain has been dead. I can't concentrate, I'm all over the place and I have no ability for creative thought. So I haven't been posting because I just can't think of anything interesting to say. This is a bit of a dilemma as that regular posting makes it easier for people to find your blog. But when they do find it, if it's boring they won't come back.

I wish there was some life here, some comments, some encouragement to keep posting. Maybe it's a little narcissistic to expect that people would be interested in what I'm saying. Part of the reason I'm blogging is because I want to get back into writing and I'm starting here with these little posts about whatever comes up. I've read that if you want people reading your blogs you should focus on one topic and regularly update on that topic. That's why there's a poll on my site. (Just in case there are visitors lurking, but so far no hits.) However focusing on a single topic isn't what I want to get out of this site. Will I have to choose between blogging as I'd like with no visitors or trying to create something with the purpose of attracting visitors?

Beepers World - bipolar support forums

2010-08-11T19:04:00.000-04:00

Some friends of mine have started a new forum for adults with bipolar disorder. We're hoping it will catch on and attract some new members; the few of us who are already there are really great people who can offer friendly support. It's also a great place to hang out with other bipolar folks just for the fun of it. We all know that sometimes we just need to talk to people who "get it" and this is the perfect place to do just that. Check it out!

http://beepersworld.proboards.com/index.cgi

Dog Poo

2010-07-27T16:21:00.000-04:00

Here’s a shot of a sign in the park just behind my apartment. At first glance it simply informs people to pick up after their dogs, which really should be common sense, but unfortunately some people just don’t get it. For those people I hope they have a picnic in the park and sit in dog crap!

But look closer at the sign and you’ll see that the human is reaching for the poo while the dog is squatted and in the process of elimination. Are we then supposed to actually hold the bag under the dog’s butt while they are crapping? Should the poo never actually touch the grass? When I picture this scene in my mind I laugh hysterically.

Already I wonder what the dog thinks about the fact that we pick up their poo. They must think it is pretty special, like perhaps their poo is a gift to us humans. Especially when you consider that when training a puppy we praise and reward them when they poo outside. Then we pick it up as if it’s of great value to us. Of course I am likely crediting a dog with a complex thought process beyond their capability, but who knows? When we consider highly trained police or rescue dogs it’s obvious that some dogs are highly intelligent, perhaps they do believe that we love their poop!

template woe

2010-07-27T16:19:00.000-04:00

I had the cutest template that I chose from the blogger template designer; black and gray polka dots and bows; it was adorable.
I pulled up the blog today and it had been replaced by a photobucket "image has been moved or deleted" image. I'm so sad!

random question

2010-07-15T12:01:00.000-04:00

Why do real estate agents plaster their photo all over their publicity? At bus stops, cards dropped in my mailbox, yard signs, business cards...they all have these huge photos on them. Is this some sort of requirement? When you go to real estate school do they require professional photos to get your license? Or do they do that simply because everyone else does?

The point is why would I care what they look like? Would I choose an agent not based on their track record, but instead on their hairstyle? Or the suit they happen to be wearing in their photo? I'd go with the ugly guy wearing jeans if he was the best at his job. Yet there must be a point to this bizarre practice. Is someone actually sorting through these cards deciding to go with the blond wearing red lipstick? I don't get it.

apartment envy

2010-07-07T13:09:00.000-04:00

I love my apartment. The building used to be a bag factory which has been converted into loft-style apartments. I'm on the top floor; I've got 13' ceilings and 8' windows giving lots of natural light. My building backs onto a huge park with a bike path and on the water; there's a canal that runs through the city. On nice days you see the boats passing by, you can rent kayaks or paddle boats...it's really great in the summer.

I love my apartment. But not right now. It's hot and humid; 108 degrees and expected to keep climbing over the next couple days. There's just too much air in here, the window air conditioners simply can't keep up. At 10 pm last night it was 85 degrees in here. It's sticky and uncomfortable, I took 3 cool showers to cool off yesterday.

I am coveting a basement apartment. One of those places that feels like a cave,with no light. Those places that are two thirds below ground, freezing in the winter. A place that I would hate any other time but now. I need to cool off!

the big crash

2010-07-02T17:13:00.000-04:00

I promised myself that I wouldn't fill this blog with a bunch of self-indulgent posts detailing my life struggles. Far better to try to create witty little anecdotes; stuff that will amuse any readers who do happen to stop by. I used to write a lot when I was young and full of creativity, I'd like to be able to do so again, and these little posts seem like a good way to start.

But...I just need to get this out so here goes.

Yesterday I planned to do some grocery shopping. I decided i would treat myself to Starbucks, sit on the patio and write for a bit, then do my shopping and have the groceries delivered. I had a really tough time getting going, felt groggy, felt like I was moving through molasses. Time passed and it was almost dinner time, I was starving and I hadn't even showered. Decided to skip the shower and the Starbucks and just head out to do the groceries. It was a nice afternoon, sunny with just enough of a cool breeze to warrant a light sweater. I get off the metro and outside and it's pouring rain - like buckets dumping from the sky, and of course I don't have an umbrella and I'm wearing wedgie flip-flops. Flip-flops in the rain are evil...they get wet, your feet slide around and with the wedgies I'd likely break an ankle. I stood under cover and smoked a cigarette, waiting to see if the rain would stop but it didn't. I also realized as I was walking past the closed shops that it was Canada Day and I had no idea what hours the store would be open. As the walk to the store is about 6 blocks with the rain coming down I said fuck it and decided to return home. Trains were running slow because it was a holiday so I had quite a wait - finally got on the train and snagged a seat. I was lost in my thoughts when I realized I had just missed my station. So I had to get off at the next one and double back. Of course when I got there the train was just leaving, 30 seconds earlier and I would have made it. I started to cry. These little tears rolling down my face as I tried bravely to hold them back, I put my sunglasses on to hide from the world. I felt like a freak. Who cries over a stupid train when they aren't even supposed to be anywhere?

After throwing together something to eat I sat down and tried to read. No way. The words were dancing across the page, my concentration was absolutely null. Turned on some crap TV and wham, I got hit hard. Like a Mack truck hit me full-speed. This horrible feeling of despair, a sense that nothing could ever possibly be right in my world. An ache so deep in my soul, so intense that I couldn't even cry. Thoughts of being worthless, of not wanting to live another day as the pain was so intense that I couldn't bear another minute. Knowing on some level that this wasn't reality, that it was my illness tricking my mind again - but that's no comfort when the feelings are there kicking your ass.

I took a Seroquel to knock me out and went to bed. Thing is, when I'm really agitated I don't fall fully asleep. It's as if my body is sleeping but my mind continues to turn over and over. So, I'm pretty exhausted today. Woke up feeling crappy but less crappy than last night...of course the worst always hits me at night. I've had extreme anxiety and have been eating Ativan all day. But I forced myself out. As per yesterday's original plan I'm at Starbucks on the patio writing this post. Then I'm off to get my groceries. It's not raining today, haha! I don't have a smile on and I'm feeling fragile as all hell, but I am doing the best I can. Sigh. There's times when I just don't know if I'll be strong enough to beat this thing.

The art of being a bitch

2010-07-01T18:01:00.001-04:00

So a little background here...a few months back I needed to do some major stress reduction in my life in the chase of some stability. Medications only help so much, lifestyle changes are important too. I decided to reduce my driving, and I'm really happy about it. Traffic makes me crazy, crappy drivers make me crazy, and bad driving is the norm here. Seriously. I've driven in LA, NYC, Chicago...Montreal is by far the most dangerous city to drive in. I am an aggressive driver but people here are just stupid. They change lanes without looking, cut you off without warning, have no courtesy at all - they'll risk an accident just to gain 2 car lengths; it makes no sense. And if there is an accident you'll end up caught in traffic 1, 2 hours, sometimes more.

So, I decided to get a transit pass and travel as much as I can without driving. I'm less than a 5 minute walk to the metro station so it's easy - I can relax and read or catch up on email and I get a little exercise in too. It's not all good though - those same people that can't drive; well they can't walk either! I walk quicker than most people and I'll be coming up alongside someone and they start walking diagonally. Or I'm walking next to a wall and people coming in the opposite direction refuse to move aside. My favorite - those who block the doors when you're trying to get off the train. It's so bad they actually painted arrows at the busiest station showing people how to get off and on, but people still refuse to get it. The last irritation? Getting checked out, cruised, or just plain stared at. It's funny too because since I've been wearing my hair in braids again black guys are chatting me up whereas they never even noticed me before!

My response to these irritations? I've become a bitch. Seriously. I put on my bitch face when I leave the house and I control my journey. People can't walk properly? I don't yield. People come straight at me when I'm next to a wall and can't move? I don't slow down. Blocking my exit from the train? You'll get pushed out of the way. Stare at me or look like you're going to approach me? You'll get stared down with my evil glare.
Now this isn't so special. This is a big city and there are a lot of bitch faces running around. Especially at rush hour. We're all in a hurry, all busy and just trying to get where we're going. The surprising part? I'm enjoying it. I like being a bitch. Maybe it's a result of having to interact politely with people when I'm just not up to it, maybe I'm just plain antisocial these days...I'm not sure. I do know that I'm liking the bitch in me. I feel like I'm nicer to the people I love now too. Can being a bitch be a good thing?

Activia - ewww!

2010-06-29T19:11:00.000-04:00

So ever since they came out with those Activia commercials with the wiggling belly I've found them disgusting. I don't know why, but the undulating stomach just makes me gag. That alone prevents me from even trying the product; I just look at it in the supermarket and all I see is jiggling belly.

I don't get exactly what this product is supposed to do. They keep talking about it's "benefit", it's "benefits" to the digestive system. What exactly is this elusive benefit? Supposedly if I start eating this daily I'll see said benefit within 2 weeks. How can I know what I'm feeling if I don't know what it's supposed to do?

One clue - the exclusive probiotic "bifidus regularis". Regularis? Are they saying this yogurt will make you crap? If so, why are they skirting around the effect by using this vague "benefit"? Do they think that we are too immature or uptight to hear the description of said "benefit"?

And is there a whole nation of people out there that need help to crap?

Down with the public pecker pullers!

2010-06-25T22:06:00.001-04:00

So this afternoon I'm walking the dog in the park. My building backs onto this big beautiful open space park along the water with a bike path running through, picnic tables, big trees, it's really quite spectacular given that we are practically downtown in this big city. I'm walking down the sidewalk toward my apartment, round the corner and run smack into a drunk laying on his back whacking off. I was so shocked, all I saw was this flaccid penis being flopped around, it was so nasty. I'm offended by public masturbation in general, but right next to a park where children are playing, families enjoying picnics - disgusting!

So I'm pretty angry, tell the guy to get lost, get out of here, that I'm going to call the cops - all I get is some mumbled response that I can't understand. I went upstairs and dropped off the dog as I had to go to the store. When I came back from the store I took a look at the sidewalk and buddy was still there, and I could see his hand was still moving! So I called 911 and reported the creep. About 15 minutes later I got a call saying the cops found the guy. I went downstairs and they were just putting buddy in cuffs. He saw me and called me a "chienne" - "dog' in english but it's much more insulting in french. So I bit back, giving him shit about pulling that crap near the park and kids...the cops were so supportive, telling me I was absolutely right and thanking me for calling so they could pick him up.

I was so happy. I felt good that I took an action to make sure my neighborhood is clean and safe. I was glad that the guy stuck around after I called long enough to get picked up and that I was there to see him loaded into the car. That he could see when I said get out, I meant it. Now I know he'll probably spend only a couple hours downtown until he sobers up, but that's okay. I felt vindicated and proud. :)

I'm sitting at Starbucks! :)

2010-06-23T15:08:00.000-04:00

So today I forced myself to get out of the house; I couldn't stand another day on the couch. I decided to go to the library and get some new books - the last few I took out were so boring I couldn't make myself read them. I did all my research online before I left so I would know exactly where to look instead of wandering around for hours. It took me three hours to get ready to leave the house but I got out. I took a little rest after the library then took the metro to my favorite Starbucks. I have a nice seat on the patio and I'm chilling here for a bit resting up to head home. I'm really really tired right now but it's so nice to be out.

still feeling crappy :(

2010-06-22T21:16:00.000-04:00

I wish I had more to report but not much has changed. Little things like going out to grab some groceries knocks me out for a couple days. I'm so tired but I have insomnia - I can't nap, have trouble staying awake at night; I'm sure that's delaying my recovery.

At unexpected side effect - I've lost 5 pounds! Strange because I'm not getting any exercise and I've been eating a lot of crappy delivery food, but I suppose I haven't been eating that much. I'm still nauseous in the morning so that's likely a contributor. Anyway, I'll take it anyway I can get it. I am able to fit into some of my clothes again that I couldn't wear a month ago; another 5 pounds and my whole wardrobe should be wearable. Hard to say if it will stay off...I've been losing and regaining the same 5 pounds for a year now! Damn anti-psychotic meds cause weight gain and strangely just in the midsection, I know people are wondering if I'm pregnant!

Hopefully the next time I check in I'll be feeling better!

going crazier

2010-06-11T14:42:00.000-04:00

I am so incredibly bored! I've been sitting on this couch for a week now. Daytime TV is making me crazy and I don't have the concentration to read. Something as simple as taking a shower wears me out - I need to sleep but I'm still suffering from insomnia, the only time I sleep is after taking my Seroquel at night, I just can't nap. I'm thinking that's slowing my recovery - I expected to at least be moving around more after a week; I get really dizzy when I'm up too long.

I bought a mini notebook yesterday, I've been using my daughter's and I love it. I used my overdraft to do it but I should be able to pay it off in about 6-7 weeks. I feel a little guilty as it was such an impulse purchase, I was just going to check the prices and I ended up buying one. That's how I ended up having to claim bankruptcy, I need to be careful. Anyway I'm pretty thrilled about it so it's probably not so bad. :)

My boyfriend's been making me crazy - he's just so needy, always wanting attention - I appreciate all he's doing but I can't wait for him so leave tomorrow.

Wish I had something more to blog about but my life is so not interesting right now...

Home and doing well

2010-06-05T09:22:00.001-04:00

I made it through my surgery yesterday without complications and am resting at home; propped up on the couch where I'll pass the next few days. The pain's a little rough but that's to be expected; the important thing is that I rest as much as possible. I am not used to asking others to help me but it's made easier by the fact that I'm in quite a bit of pain.

My boyfriend is spending the week here to take care of me; he'll be working during the day but my daughter will be here when he's gone. She picked me up from the hospital and is giving me shit if I move except to go to the bathroom. I'm really proud of her. I really hope I can handle having my bf around so much. Usually we see each other on weekends only and sometimes I can't wait to leave on Sunday. I like to spend a lot of time alone. But sometimes I'm really enjoying our time together and I don't want to leave. I'm not sure if it's him or me with my mood swings.

At least my anxiety is gone now that the surgery is over. I feel calm and way more comfortable. Racing thoughts have been replaced by a sense of relaxation, sluggishness even. I'm sure the residual anesthetic and the morphine have a lot to do with that. Whatever the cause I'm enjoying this peaceful feeling.

Inspiration

2010-06-02T08:05:00.000-04:00

So I'm listening to "live your life" (T.I. & Rihanna) and I hear this line:
"Stop looking at what you ain't got and be thankful for what you do got."

Sounds so simple, yet how many people actually do this? Almost everyone I know (myself included) seems to be living with some level of dissatisfaction; focusing on what's wrong with life, not what's right. Of course I work for a large corporation where it seems that policies are more important than people, where creativity and innovative thinking are not encouraged, where we are all working to feed and grow this big capitalist machine. I believe that our environment is a breeding ground for employee dissatisfaction.

My dad is one person I know who seems to look at the positive in life. He got out of the corporate world after 35 years to own his own business and he's thriving.

I know I need to figure out how to focus on the positive. Especially now when my health/psych issues seem to be beating be up and pushing me toward a victim mentality. I've got some pretty brutal memories of bad times in my life and I'm living pretty comfortably these days so I should be able to remind myself of "what I do got". I'm going to give it a shot.

Très cool

2010-05-31T08:04:00.001-04:00

Someone read my blog. :). I stopped posting because it seemed like there was no one out there. Sometimes I'm reaching out in my posts, looking for something - reassurance, communication, something... So I'm going to try to keep posting regularly.

I'll have enough time on my hands, I'm having surgery this Friday. I'm a little freaked out because the last time I had surgery I had major complications; I ended up in the ER only 3 hours after returning home and I actually passed out in the hallway waiting for a bed. I keep telling myself that won't happen again but I'm a little nervous all the same. I just want to get it over with. I'm also worried about the anesthetic causing a major depression - bipolars are especially sensitive to the depressive effects of anesthetic and I've had bad reactions after previous surgeries. All that to say that I've got a lot of couch time coming up so I can post often - if I can find something to write about!
I'm going to rebraid my hair while I'm sitting around, I bought my hair last week so I'm all set.

Well that's it for now. A big thank you to the person who left me a comment; I really appreciate the advice.

La vie est dure

2010-05-13T15:16:00.001-04:00

Fuck. Things aren't going well. I'm depressed but have outburts of rage. No energy, I sit on the couch all day staring blankly at the tv. No concentration to read, no interest in doing anything at all, no desire to do the things I enjoy.
Had to work yesterday, got into a fight with my boss and lost my temper - maybe I shouldn't be working at all. I'm only working 2 days per week, you'd think I could handle that. Sigh.

I'm losing interest in my blog. No sense writing all this if I'm the only one reading it. C'est plat.

Can't seem to let go

2010-04-29T11:18:00.001-04:00

I can't seem to get past this office crap that happened yesterday. I cried last night; I just feel like everything is so fucked up right now.

My mind keeps reliving my past, stuck in the place where I last felt happy, back in Vancouver. Eveything seems like it was so much better then, I wish that I never moved to Montreal. However I realize that my happiness at that particular time was false in a way, I was virtually unmedicated (taking just an antidepressant) and I was riding out a period of hypomanic bliss. When I remember now some of the things I did I feel guilty, disgusted even, but back then I was having fun and I crave that feeling of just not caring, of being wild and proud of it. Sigh.

I know I can't go back, that I need to continue filling my body and brain with these mind-numbing drugs, that I must accept that being depressed is safer than being high, for both me and my daughter. But I miss feeling, I miss adventure, I miss that energy that allowed me to fill my days with fun and creativity, I miss being able to work full-time and to exceed all expectations in my job.

It's been over 2 years of playing with medications, regular visits to the psych hospital - I don't feel like I'm ever going to feel good again. I'm so discouraged, so tired; I just want to run far away and start fresh again. I hate this disease, I hate how it's worn me down, how I'm just a shell of who I once was.

Office woes

2010-04-28T18:35:00.001-04:00

Ugh how I hate office games. I was called in to see my boss today, she tells me that last week when she had the afternoon off someone was watching and they saw me on the internet and having a long chat with a coworker. Of course this unnamed watcher didn't notice that I didn't take my lunch break. Sigh. Here's the thing, I would have done exactly the same thing if she was there. I do take breaks and I do pop on the web to do banking, check the weather, etc. Especially with my ADD/Bipolar brain, I can't function without breaks. I get stumped on something or I can't remember, so I change my focus and then it comes to me. And every once in a while, but certainly not often, I do have a good chat with a coworker. I'll admit I should limit those chats as that's 2 people not working and I don't have any problem doing so.

I know we're under pressure - I know that the next year is just one tight deadline after another. I also know that we're lucky to have jobs, that our entire team's work could thereoretically be given to one of the huge US R&D divisions. But she could have just asked me to try to be more productive, to avoid office chats. Why tell me there's an office babysitter? I don't get it. And we have a company policy that says we may access the internet occasionally during our work days. So unless there's new rules that haven't been communicated, so what on the internet thing? I just don't get this whole business. It's like there's this book of new rules that I didn't get. And this on top of my present job dissatisfaction...it's just tough. I'm only working 2 days per week and the stress is still eating away at me...
I'm so damned sensitive these days that I'm sure much of my reaction is likely due to my moods, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Frogging :(

2010-04-27T20:53:00.001-04:00

So after starting back on my sweater and slowly plugging along getting back into the knitting groove I realized I'd dropped a stitch, way back.

I ended up having to frog back 30 rows, and because it's a sweater they're long rows. :( I started back again and got a few rows done then realized I'd twisted the stiches I'd picked up, so I had to rip them back again. Argh!

University

2010-04-15T17:36:00.001-04:00

I'm sitting downtown in a Starbucks located in the University district. I'm feeling nostalgic because I've wanted to go back to university my entire adult life. I never did finish a degree, I kept changing my program, then I got pregnant and that was it for school.

Thing is, I have a great well-paying job for a company I've been with 10 years now. That's a lot of comfort zone to move out of! I'm just so very bored with my work. I get like that always, once I've mastered something and become good at it I don't want to do it anymore. It's the learning part that I love. For the first 5 years with my company I was getting promoted regularly, taking on new/different responsibilities, but now I've hit the top of where I can go in my profession and I'm finding myself just a little frustrated.

I don't even know what I would study; it's the actual studying which thrills me. Maybe something in fashion - designing, textiles, anything artsy and creative in the fashion world would be super cool.

I don't even know if I could get a student loan as I was forced to claim bankruptcy last year when I was on disability due to my bipolar. Even if I could; how would I possibly support myself and my daughter on what I imagine would be a meager amount? This idea is just so far out there, but it's something that keep coming up over and over again in my mind.

Hmmm...

projects

2010-04-14T14:38:00.000-04:00

I pulled out all my old knitting projects, 6 in total. I frogged 4 and kept 2:

Spiral Boot Socks (Veronika Avery):

Springtime in Paris (Runway Knits):

I spent a couple hours last night working on the sweater while watching Criminal Minds (I love that show!). It took me 3 attempts to pick up the stitches on the side...114 of them; it's been a while!

good news!

2010-04-13T18:45:00.000-04:00

I had applied for a partial disability through work as I've been caving under the stress. Big snotty bawling sessions at work - not professional and humiliating as hell. But I didn't want to take a full disability, I want to keep working, to be productive, to continue to be part of the team. So it's been two weeks and today I got the news that I am approved to work 2 days per week.

So now in typical bipolar fashion my mind is racing with all the things I can do with my 3 days to myself. (Excepting all these damn appointments I'll have to keep.)

So here's the list: singing, knitting, witchcraft, tarot, songwriting, recording, piano, wardrobe assessment/update, ballet, cycling (if it warms up), reading, journaling/blogging.

I have to keep reminding myself to take it easy, that I can't do it all. I think I'm going to start with knitting. Coming back to my blog has motivates me - I've got at least 4 projects on the needles. I'm going to start slow, commit myself to 15/30 minutes a day, that's it. So...I'm off to find my stashed projects and pick something to pick up. :)

shameless promotion :)

2010-04-13T16:24:00.001-04:00

So...I'm trying to see if I can get some traffic to my blog, would be cool if I actually had an audience instead of writing for myself!

I've signed up at Technorati, and I have to include a claim number to prove I'm the blogmaster...so here it is:

STB33G4WU9YG

Hopefully this works!

Relationships

2010-04-13T11:54:00.001-04:00

Ok, so I'm relationship challenged. I've had only 2 serious relationships in the past 10 years and only one of them lasted over a year.
Not just love relationships either, I'm awful at maintaining friendships and I don't keep in touch with my family as much as I'd like. I've been in Montreal 5 years now and I haven't made a single girlfriend. In my defense there haven't been many opportunities - it's definitely hard to meet people the older we get. It seems most women my age are on the mommy track; buying houses, having babies - I'm so very far from that, we just have nothing in common.

Ok, back to this relationship issue. I broke up with my ex almost 2 years ago after two years together. It was really ugly - he became a total coke head and he chose drugs over our relationship. That hurt a lot. But that wasn't all. Turns out that he is likely gay. He had borrowed a laptop from me and I found so much stuff in there, then I started to think back and a lot of things seemed to make perfect sense.

So...I'm pretty guarded. I'm not really interested in letting anyone know me intimately. Plus I'm not staying in this city permanently, my parents have sponsored me to move to the US and I'm just waiting for my number to come up. There's a huge backlog so it could take 4-5 years for my file to be processed, but still, I'm going to leave eventually.

I met someone about 6 months ago and I've been trying not to sabotage the relationship...I should be able to stick with one person like "normal" folks, right? But I'm not normal. I'm bipolar - not presently stabilized, I'm broken and I'm sporting a pretty big wall. So, sometimes it's easy to be in this relationship and other times I can barely control the desire to scream "fuck it" and run away as fast as I can. I know my bipolarity plays a big part; there's mornings I wake up and I need to be in my own head, talking to others is a chore and being touched makes me cringe. This arrives right after a day where I was feeling content, affectionate, outgoing. My mood shifts feel like I'm going forward and then suddenly slamming into reverse.

When we first started dating I disclosed all and he said he was cool with everything. Initially I had him over to my place for dinner a few nights but it was uncomfortable for me. My apartment is my space, and my bedroom my little oasis...no one should share my bed except for my dog. So we settled into this routine where I spend the weekends at his place. Sometimes I feel like it's an obligation, I feel so crowded, but whatever. Other times we have a great time and I appreciate our time together.

Lately he's been driving me nuts. He keeps asking why I never invite him over to my place. He doesn't want me to leave because he's so in love with me. (We're talking 5 years in the future!). He always wants to talk about our relationship. I don't want to plan anything, I just want to see how things go, one day at a time. I don't think about whether we'll be together a year from now, I don't want to commit to anything.

My psychologist agrees that I shouldn't make any big decisions right now. I'm not stable, I'm stressed by everything and I'm seeing the world through a dark grey filter. I just wish I could predict when we are going to have those good days and make sure we aren't together for the bad ones. Ya, good luck.

This could be fun

2010-04-12T21:08:00.001-04:00

So I'm checking out this email blogging feature. Instead of waiting until I actually sit at the computer (and not at work cause these sites are blocked), I can post from my blackberry wherever I am. I've always had trouble maintaining a blog, maybe that will change!

Craziness!

2010-04-11T15:19:00.001-04:00

Wow, I'm surprised my blog is still active. I stopped posting because I quit knitting. In the past 2 years I've made 1 hat.
I have bipolar disorder and it came out of remission so to speak; I've spent the past two years battling this crippling disease. When I'm depressed I have no interest in anything, no creativity, I'm just flat. When I'm manic I can't sit still long enough to do anything, especially a quiet activity like knitting.
So my needles gather dust while I continue to hope that one day I'll be motivated to pull out the stash and start creating again.

NYC!

2008-03-02T23:32:00.000-05:00

Only 10 hours until I'm enroute to New York! So excited! :)

Wow - it's been a long time!

2008-02-24T02:11:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in forever, but I'm just SO busy!

First, the knitting update: I started and finished a few projects before and over Christmas. Sadly I don't have pics of the gifts, I was pretty rushed, but I made a hat and some mittens with a fold-over top for my mom. I also made a little bathroom set for my brother and sister-in-law. They live in Hawaii, so it was hard to think of something I could knit for them in such a warm climate, so I created a hand-knit washcloth and a little soap sac. They turned out pretty nice, considering I just created them on the fly, without a pattern. I wrapped both up with some satin ribbons, and bought some really nice soap chunks from Lush to complete the gift.

I took a few days off over Christmas, so ended up with 10 days off; so I knit myself the "Groovy Sweater (Dress)" from Twinkle's Big City Knits. I used the Twinkle Soft Chunky yarn, and I'm really pleased with how it turned out. Photos included :)

That's been it for the knitting, I've just been too busy. I'm rehearsing five hours per week with my musical theater group, plus voice lessons, french course, therapy with my daughter, and am still working full-time+. I'm pooped. I ended up really sick at the end of January with a sinus/ear/throat infection and was stuck in bed for four days.

In one week I'll be on vacation; my daughter and I will be spending the week in New York City! I can't wait, it's going to be so fun. We'll be going down by train and the trip takes about ten hours so there should be plenty of time to read and knit. :)

The very cool purse.

2007-10-27T00:50:00.000-04:00

I've tried a couple different patterns for purses, but have found that they only look nice until you put stuff in them, at which point they stretch out of shape and look sloppy. Many patterns call for felting to stiffen the fabric so it holds it's shape, but I'm not really a big fan of the felted look. Those who love to felt will likely be put off by my opinion, but I don't want to spend all that time knitting something just to make it look like it wasn't knitted at all. Why not just buy some fabric and stitch something up? I'm sure one day I may fall in love with felting and change my opinion, but for now, I wanted a purse that looks hand knit.

Enter Twiggy Tweed, found on Knitty.com...I actually purchased the yarn that was used in the pattern, colour and all, which was a first for me.

I am thrilled with the finished product. I used a zipper close instead of the suggested snap, and found a cute charm to hang from the zipper that coordinates perfectly.

Voila!

really overdue update

2007-10-26T23:37:00.001-04:00

I can't believe it's been months since my last post!

Plenty to update on - first off, I've been busy. I'm singing with the Montreal West Operatic Society this season, so there's that, plus the usual voice lessons. Work's a little nuts, taking up lots of time, and then I hurt my back :( Herniated disc in my lower back, so I'm really limited in what and how much I can do these days.

I have finished some projects though, and have some pictures to prove it!

First, I finally finished the Twisted Rib Pullover I started back in the Spring! Just in time, as the weather is cooling now, and the summer tops have been put away to make room for the warmer options. A little story on this one, the sizing was perfect, except for the length. I didn't like the crop-top look, so I made a little modification. I added length with a lace pattern, basically just added a bunch of yarnovers at regualr intervals, which created a really nice ruffled look. I duplicated this on the sleeves to finish it off. Unfortunately these aren't the best pics, as the clear one cuts off the bottom, and the full-size is blurry. But you get the idea :)

cleaning up

2007-08-18T02:12:00.000-04:00

I just came off two weeks of vacation, which was wonderful, although too short as always.
Not much knitting on vacation, the majority of time was spent relaxing on the boat, swimming, reading, and other lazy pursuits.
I'm feeling a little rejuvenated (not much), so I've decided to clean up some old projects that have been hanging around before starting anything new. I did do some yarn shopping, so there's lots in the queue.

So, I finally finished the rib/cable socks. Pics will follow soon. I'm working on the twisted rib pullover again - have just 1/2 sleeve plus finishing until it's done. The lace shawl is coming along nicely, but I'm not going back to it until the pullover is done.

The lace nightie has gotten a bit of use, and sadly one of the straps unravelled somehow, so I'll need to do a little repair. Pretty sad when something breaks before you even get a pic done! Funny thing is that it wasn't even a spot that I had stitched on, it broke at the point where the i cord was attached with live stitches...bizarre.

More updates will follow soon :)

project update

2007-07-20T19:18:00.000-04:00

Just a quick update:

The lace nightie is finished and it's really nice. I will get a picture posted soon. It's shorter than I expected, of the butt-skinning variety, but it's so pretty I may wear it as a long top over some skinny pants. I love bamboo yarn :)

The socks are still coming along, I've finally finished one, and am about a quarter way through the second sock.

That crazy pullover I started months ago is still unfinished! I'm not motivated to knit a longsleeved sweater right now, so I barely work on it. I've got only one sleeve to finish before sewing it all together, but instead of finishing, I start more stuff!

I started a cotton bath mat. I should work more on that one, as my present bathmat is pretty much finished and should go to the trash, but it's really boring. It's a single pattern throughout (KK,PP) and is just a big rectangle, so you could do this one with your eyes closed. It will be nice though as the colors are really pretty and vibrant. It's worked double-stranded throughout which gives the resulting fabric a decent weight, cushiony to stand on and it should be pretty absorbent.

The newest project is a lace shawl, the Victoria shawl from Victorian Lace today. I'm making it in Kidsilk Haze, in a smoky black, it's going to be beautiful. I'm really enjoying the lacework as it's challenging.

I've got more yarn on order, so hopefully I can force myself to finish at least one project before starting another!

wow!

2007-06-28T22:39:00.000-04:00

Is it ever hard to keep the blog updated...it's not even the time factor, just that it's so hard to get into writing.

When I was young, I wrote ALL the time. I had notebooks, poem books, I even wrote an entire story about the life of my dog after he passed away. I actually entertained the idea of writing for a living when I grew up. Now I sit down to write, and...nothing!

Why is it that creative thought comes so easily to children, and becomes so difficult when we're adults? Is the sheer doldrum of our daily lives in direct opposition to creative thought? Is it predestined that we will lose the ability to daydream and fantasize once we are locked into a 9-5 will the associated bills and responsibilities of adulthood?

It seems that for some, creative thought remains through adulthood - what's the secret? Can anyone share this with me?

I know I have funny stories, witty tales to share. Friends have told me I should write a book about my life simply based on the interesting stories I've shared over drinks. But where to start? Blah!

So, for all those great bloggers out there, how do you do it? Is the simple act of forcing oneself to write regularly enough to open up those floodgates? I want your secrets, techniques, advice...comments are not only welcomed, but desperately requested! :)

PS. for Samantha - I replied in the comments under the best friend cardigan...I wasn't able to reply directly to you as Blogger couldn't find your profile!

quick update

2007-06-11T23:06:00.000-04:00

It seems I always have these big lags between posts, where I just can't think of anything to write...so here's a quick update on the work in progress:

- Twisted rib pullover from Vogue Knitting: feels like I've been working on this forever! I'm even less motivated now that the weather is so warm, but the biggest obstacle to this project is that it's soooo boring. It's the same stitch throughout, with only some simple shaping. Now, I love simple garments, I've never been much for patterns, ruffles and the likes, but it is just not exciting at all to knit. I've got the front and back done, and half of a sleeve.

- Rib and cable socks from a back issue of Interweave Knits: very adorable, they have these tiny cables that run the length of the socks, and will be great when finished, but are taking a while. They use tiny #1 needles, which makes for a bunch of stitches, and I've been using a toothpick as the cable needle! I've got one sock about 3/4 finished.

- Lace Nightie from the Interweave website: http://www.interweaveknits.com/freepatterns/pdf/spr_07/Lace_nightie.pdf
I picked up some really nice bamboo wool in a soft beige color, and it was so tempting I has to start this one right away. Just begun, but it's knitting up super nice already. Bamboo is quick becoming a new favorite of mine, it has that whole summery thing going one but without the weight that many cotton yarns have. It is a little tricky to work with though, as the strands don't hold together well, extra attention is required to be sure you don't split the stitches.

Tagged! (If you've been tagged, read here)

2007-05-23T20:27:00.001-04:00

Info:
So this is how it works: Each person tagged gives 7 random facts about themselves. Those who are tagged need to write on their own blog those 7 facts as well as the rules of the game. You need to tag seven others and list their names on your blog. You have to leave those you plan on tagging a note in their comments so they know that they have been tagged and to read your blog.

Random stuff about me:

1) I'm a 30-something single mom of my almost-16 year old daughter, and my 3 year old pup.
2) I still hate food touching on my plate, and I eat pizza from the top down.
3) I remember hating "girly crafts" when I was young, but my mom remembers I always wanted to learn to knit. Unfortunately I had no patience back then, and I just started knitting about 6 months ago!
4) I have yet to find a close female friend in this city, that one that you can tell pretty much anything. I'm still hoping though.
5) My bf's boat should be in the water in the next two weeks - I've been waiting for this all winter!
6) I work with a bunch of computer geeks - designing software applications.
7) I have been suffering from severe allergies for a while now, and am almost convinced I will need to live in a bubble in the near future - it's driving me crazy!

I was tagged by Nan and Donna and I'm tagging the following random bloggers:

JanKnitz
Knittin' and Lovin' it
Saisquoi
knittybug
Sheri
Rasa
Sheila

socks!

2007-05-20T09:59:00.001-04:00

Finally the perfect socks. The fit is just perfect and the wool is so soft and cozy feeling. I immediately cast on for more socks as soon as I wore these once!